Why nice Engineering managers are so often BAD managers

A nice manager is not good for your career

The book that had the most impact on my behavior as a manager is Radical Candor, by Kim Scott. It made me understand that what I considered to be ‘nice’ and ‘considerate’, is actually called “ruinous empathy”, and it hurts my team.

Scott divides managers into 4 types, check out which type your manager belongs to:

4. Manipulative Insincerity

The worst manager you can imagine: backstabbing and political or passive-aggressive behavior.

This happens when the manager neither cares personally nor challenges you directly. It’s praise that is insincere, flattery to a person’s face and harsh criticism behind their back.

Example:

A team leader might not agree with a team member's approach to solving a problem but doesn't address it directly. Instead, in team meetings, the leader gives vague compliments like, "Great effort on the project," but then criticizes the team member's approach in private conversations with others, saying, "I don't think they know what they're doing".
This insincere praise, along with backstabbing kills trust and does not contribute to an improvement or resolution.

3. Ruinous Empathy

Ruinous Empathy is what happens when a manager wants to spare someone’s feelings, so he/she doesn’t tell them something they need to know. It’s praise that isn’t specific enough to help the person understand what was good, or criticism that is sugar-coated and unclear — or simply silence.

This is where most nice people are. While choosing to not hurt someone’s feelings in the short term, you are choosing to hurt their careers.

Example:
You notice a team member struggling to meet deadlines due to inefficient work. However, wanting to avoid hurting their feelings, you say: "You're doing great, but maybe try to manage your time a bit better?".
The feedback is so vague and sugar-coated that the team member doesn't understand the seriousness of the issue or how to address it.

2. Obnoxious Aggression

Obnoxious Aggression, also called brutal honesty or front stabbing, is what happens when the manager challenges someone directly, but doesn’t show them that he cares about them personally. It’s praise that doesn’t feel sincere or criticism and feedback that isn’t delivered kindly.

Example:

Imagine getting this code review comment:

"This part looks like shit, rewrite it in a way that humans will be able to read."

This approach challenges the developer directly but fails to show any personal care or guidance on how to improve.

This approach is BETTER than ruinous empathy! This was a huge surprise for me. Turns out people prefer such bosses, and respect them more, as they push them to succeed. They might like the “Ruinous Empathy” boss more, but in hindsight, they would usually prefer to work under the Brutal & Honest one.

1. Radical Candor

Radical Candor is the balance between caring personally and challenging directly. It’s about being able to give clear and helpful feedback while also giving sincere and specific praise.

Example:

Let's say a software engineer submits a project that’s functionally complete but is not well-optimized. A radical candid manager’s feedback might look something like this:

"I really appreciate the effort you put into finishing this project on time, especially considering the tight deadline.

I did notice some areas in the code which are not efficient, and might cause problems in the future. This is a part of what defines a successful project, and I expect you to consider it.

Let's walk through it together so I can share some insights on how you can approach it.”

Being candid is hard, but it’s crucial.

How to be Radically Candid

“Radical Candor really just means saying what you think while also giving a damn about the person you're saying it to.”

The basis of Radical Candor is building genuine, trust-based relationships with your team. To do that, you have to bring your whole self to work and drop the ‘professional distance’.

It’s not about being unprofessional. It’s about recognizing the humanity within your workplace and seeing your team as humans with dreams, fears, and lives outside work.

Care personally

This one is measured at the ear of the receiver. That means it’s not only about how you treat others, but how others expect you to treat them.

In the book, Scott tells of her experience working with Israelis — some of the most direct people she’s ever worked with — and contrasts this with the story of working with the AdSense team in Japan, who operated at the other end of the spectrum. Her approach differed very differently for both teams.

Since ‘care personally’ is measured at the ear of the receiver, it’s the manager’s job to tailor the feedback accordingly.

Challenge directly

This is the practice of addressing issues, concerns, or areas for improvement directly without the fear of potential discomfort that might come from talking about sensitive topics.

It means being candid about what isn't working and why, but doing so with the intent of growing and learning, not humiliating people.

For me, this was the biggest challenge as a manager. I kept postponing important conversations, and the feedback I gave was always sugarcoated and vague. I didn’t pass the ‘behind-the-back test’:

If I were to ask you what do you think about an employee and ask them what you think about them, how different would the answers be?

If there is even a small difference - you are probably stuck within Ruinous Empathy.

How to implement radically candid feedback in your team

Don’t let people off the hook when they refuse to give feedback

Keep asking, and then use silence to get them to say something.
Usually, when someone hesitates to give feedback, it's often not because they have nothing to say but because they're weighing the cost of being candid.

The manager’s job is to lower these barriers and keep encouraging feedback by asking direct and open-ended questions

Reward them handsomely for their criticism

Thank them, praise them and most importantly: take action to fix their criticism if you can. When someone offers criticism, especially if it's constructive, it's crucial to thank them openly and acknowledge the courage it took to share their thoughts.

This doesn't mean you have to agree with everything said, but you should always appreciate the intent behind it. And when criticism is actionable, make it a priority to address it.

Frequent, unscheduled conversations

Scott argues that you should be soliciting guidance every day, in one-to-two-minute conversations, not in scheduled 1:1 meetings.

The rationale here is simple:
feedback becomes part of the everyday workflow.

These conversations can happen anywhere. While grabbing a coffee, in the hallway, or at the end of a meeting. The important thing is to make them a natural part of your day-to-day interactions.

“…One of the bankers who led Facebook’s IPO told me about a time that Sheryl asked him for feedback after a meeting with potential investors.
“What could I have done better?” she asked him. He couldn’t think of anything.

The presentation had been a home run. Sheryl wouldn’t let him off the hook, though. “I know there was something I could have done better in there.” He still couldn’t think of anything. Now, he was getting nervous.

“You have a reputation for being great at giving feedback,” Sheryl encouraged him. “I bet if you think about it you can come up with something.”
Now, he was sweating. But still she didn’t let him off the hook. She smiled expectantly, and stayed silent. That was when he finally thought of something, and told her. “Thank you!” She said. “I’ll do better next time!” ”

Further reading on feedback in your teams:

• Start a speedback culture in your team by

  Anemari Fiser
  in
  Level up as a Tech Lead

• How to give super specific feedback by

  Wes Kao
  in
  Wes Kao's Newsletter

• How ro receive actionable feedback by

  Dani Araujo
  in
  Bits & Brushes